


you should be shameful

by boyoongi



Category: Original Work
Genre: Actual Garbage, Age Difference, Anxiety, Betrayal, Dysfunctional Relationships, M/M, Mental Instability, Rape/Non-con Elements, Underage Rape/Non-con, Unrequited Love, a mess, notes in ch.1 are important (:, sad boys
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-14
Updated: 2017-12-09
Packaged: 2018-11-14 00:29:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11196663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boyoongi/pseuds/boyoongi
Summary: A really ugly work that ive been mulling over and writing random pieces of for a while now.  It's mostly focused on guilt, temptation, shame, and unrequited love-- about this guy becoming infatuated with a high schooler and desperately trying to control himself because he knows its wrong while the center of his infatuation tries to salvage the good relationship they once had.





	1. an explanation

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for clicking, i'm really sorry this is so rough and piecey. i've had random parts written and i really wanted to post them, but couldnt because there were a lot of important things that i knew about it that a normal reader wouldnt-- so i'm trying to fill in the gaps, haha ;; if youre into sad, dysfunctional drabbles, i hope you get some sort of enjoyment out of this,,!! also IMPORTANT:: i havent gotten around to giving anyone names, and i know that's really obnoxious, so please let me know if it makes things too confusing and i'll try to go back and add it in. there's still a lot of editing that needs to be done to make this post-ready, but i know that if i dont post it now i probably never will, lol, so i just went ahead. feedback is uuuuuuber appreciated, as this is my first original "work" posted on here (the rest being gay kpop stuff, sweats). once again, thank you :"^)

He was a high school student.  
He was smart, but slacked with his homework.

To be completely honest, he didnt have that many friends. A lack of people skills was probably the main cause of this, as well as just overall shyness, and him not really being the most approachable of people; no one, if they were to judge by his looks, would assume he was actually very kind and mature, with a sort of calm dorkiness about him that was surprisingly endearing.

His hair was a dull black, a sharp contrast to the dewy, almost eerie pale of his skin.

His lips were full and red and the rest of his features were soft, just in general making him a true sight to behold-- however, he had never really thought of himself as someone attractive, and the only time he would even think about how he looked was when he was criticizing himself. His beauty was unconventional, and people werent used to that for a boy. 

Unfortunately, due to the absense of any kind reassurance from others about his existence (and the influx of complicated family affairs that would leave any kid in bad shape) he was a nervous, anxiety-ridden wreck with low self esteem. 

But that was okay.  
He handled everything himself, quietly, numbly. 

 

On the other hand, there was the doctor. 

A tall, prepossessing 27 year old with a good education that appeared to have his life figured out.  
He worked at a local clinic, so the money he earned wasnt as immense as one would expect a doctor to make, but he was able to get by comfortably enough; all of his friends and family were fond and proud.  
Of his many acquaintences there was an older man that he would go out drinking with sometimes, an long time friend-- he was always busy with business trips and the like, and explained that it was putting a lot of stress on his relationship with his son. Apparently, there was no mother in the picture, so the kid was left alone, which took a toll on him-- and, in turn, took a toll on his father. Business trips were bad news.

Thats why, when he had to go to China for the next couple of weeks, the doctor was glad to watch over his son rather than leave him to wallow around alone at home, upset about his father's absence. 

He was a respectable man and a good friend, so he was happy to help out, even if it meant looking after a sad eighteen year old (plus, he would be getting paid a lot of money. That was sort of the main motivator in that situation, but it being a selfess act of charity sounds better).

 

Their contact started this way, and they became friends. Not fast friends, but friends nonetheless. 

The doctor was sort of like a father or an other brother that the boy had only dreamed of having; they were both relatively quiet and respectful towards each other. The doctor would even help him with his homework sometimes or other domestic things like that, and it made him feel like, for once, someone genuinely liked his company. 

 

When his father returned, the doctor went away. When there was another business trip, he returned. It became routine that whenever the boy would be left alone for extended periods of time, that suave, compassionate man would show up and check on him to keep him occupied. 

He practically moved in to their small, dated apartment, and the boy was happy.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He's alone again, this time for a month. His favorite adult is there, though, and has been since this is set a week or so into his stay; feelings accumulated from all his past visits start to shine through as he cant help but begin to pursue that kid. right into, essentially, the core of the conflict--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know its quite a jump from the introduction, oops !!!! this was also written quite a bit before the previous chapter, since it was at the birth of the idea and the latter was written yesterday as a sad attempt to make things more clear. im sorry if the writing quality fluctuates ;;

There wasn't any way he could possibly keep his eyes off of him.

He liked watching him most when he was concentrating or having alone time, because there were no other distractions-- his face would look so at peace, with his dark hair brushing gently on his eyebrows and his full red lips looking so relaxed, it was like staring at an angel.  There were no unflattering angles, either.  He looked ethereal no matter the time or situation, and it absolutely fascinated and intrigued the man to the point where it was beginning to be dangerous.   
All that staring would go on, presumably, without the boy's knowledge. Of course.

The two had started to become closer, the contact had become more invigorating, and it seemed as if there was no escape or exit from that point on.  The man felt trapped by that pale skin and those dark, innocent but foreboding eyes.  

Those eyes cried a lot-- there was no way this could go unnoticed by someone such as himself.  Never would it go unseen under such sharp and desperate eyes, the kind that would readily peek through cracked doors and spy just to satiate themselves.  
He would often see the pain in the boys face as he curled into himself, small frame shaking with pent up anger and stress, and finally let the tears push out of his eyes and run down his gorgeously flustered cheeks.  
Its not like he would ever admit it-- after all, he was a respectable man, a doctor of all things, who should be settling down with a beautiful wife-- who should have a stable mind-- but it excited him to see the boy's emotion.  
Seeing all that spill out of someone so normally composed made the man's heart beat so fucking quick.

So once again he found himself staring as soon as the boy had gotten home from school.  His tired eyes scanned the uniform-clad body and took every inch of the gentle image in as he leant over his paperwork on the kitchen counter, taking in a large but slow breath.

The best part was the face, and when he got to it his thin fingers couldnt help but start tapping on the wood beneath them; it had quite a weary expression (as it usually did when he came home from class) that debatably seemed to fit him well and some red around it's eyes.  Despite this, it was still so incredibly attractive that the man just wanted to bask in it, everything from his color-drained face to his slender neck and shoulders and his long legs...  
There were so many things he wished he could do.

The boy gave a greeting as the thin door closed behind him and their eyes met.  On his end it was careless, but on the doctor's it was full of desire and intent.  He was never so aware of himself to think that the younger could notice this, could notice his behavior, and become afraid; to think that he could be found out and hated, and everyone would know his disgusting feelings.  He would be shunned.   
Inevitably, it would be him that learned the truth about himself and what he wants, and that terrified him more than anything else.   
From his current state of denial he speculated that that would be the final thing to set him off, and that all hope for being a normal and level headed man would be lost. He didn't want to believe that this was what it was coming to; he would do all these things, and only be disgusted afterwards. The man feared that he would do something that he would regret.

"How was your day at school?"  
Coming out casual and deep, his voice was just as normal; he was usually able to keep himself calm until things got out of control, considering.

The boy was slipping off his shoes at the front door when he replied, backpack sliding off his shoulders one by one, "good.  I got an A on my trig test."


	3. talk to me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a bit of a time skip between this and the last chapter oops

He had been reclusive lately. Going straight into his room after school, only leaving it when the doctor wasnt there, speaking even less than usual; it worried the man immensely.  
Had he done something wrong?  
Well, he knew he'd done a lot of things wrong, he was just more concerned with if those things had become known to his younger housemate.  
Thinking about what to do to resolve this situation was a daily practice, considering he was constantly irked by the boy's obstinance. Every time he entered the house and set down his backpack the doctor's chest was filled with hope-- hope that he could get more than just a few words out of him, hope that he wouldnt leave so soon, hope that he would actually get an explanation or an apology-- only for it to be sucked out of him with the image of the boy's back as he walked straight out of the room.  
That occurance was like a spur in the doctor's side, driving him closer to doing something about it. Despite this, he still wondered if he should just wait to see if the kid would come around some how, become comfortable again; he desperately tried to tell himself to do that instead of act rashly, or else he would regret it, but the temptation to take action was growing more overbearing with the hour.  
So he gave way to the pressure.  
   
The boy laid in bed on his back and stared up at the white cieling. His stomach felt empty, like there werent even any organs there, yet a quiet growl still emitted from it. He put his hand over it halfheartedly.  
Going outside his room was an option, but not one he would have liked to take part in; if he went outside, he would see the doctor-- probably having some dinner of his own, tall and slouched slightly over the table, sitting by himself. The man would try to speak to him, inevitably, maybe try to get him to stay even longer.  
Any further time, any more anything between the two of them at that moment almost made him sick. His instincts had told him something was up.  
Something felt weird with the doctor then. The boy was getting different vibes, ominous ones; he wasnt blind. He could tell that he was being stared at whenever he would sit down at that dining room table after school, of course, but he could also tell that the man was acting strangely in general, like he had something to hide. The lingering glances, the lingering touches, and the sudden over-attentiveness all pointed to something the boy did not like to flatter himself enough to think about.  
Their relationship that once brought him so much joy felt tainted.  
So avoiding him to in turn avoid the hurt and the awkwardness seemed necessary.  
   
But, then again... he had been hungry for almost three hours. Maybe the doctor wasnt even in the kitchen. Maybe he left.  
   
The man was up getting water when he heard the gentle pat of the boy's feet down the hall.  
His heart absolutely stopped and he abruptly stopped the flow of the water in order to see if what he had thought he heard was true; he peered down the hall as much as he could, only able to see the shadow of the boy's door closing behind him.  
The doctor quickly retracted his hand, narrowly missing a spill from the water in his cup, and sat down at the table in the kitchen. He swallowed nervously, almost shaky hands picking up the papers scattered there from work to hide his face as if he was reading them, to seem like he was busy; his mind raced with thoughts of what would happen when that boy entered he room. He had been avoiding him all day, every day for almost a week, the doctor had only dreamed of holding a full conversation with him again and seeing his face--  
Most of all, he desperately wanted to relieve himself of the guilt that been scratching at his skin and weighing heavy on his chest.  
The boy stood where the hall met the kitchen. His eyes were downcast, almost seeming to wander the floor, color drained from his face as his fingertips slid down from the corner of the wall. His heart sunk when he saw the doctor.  
He had thought wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi i've been nervous and procrastinated editing the rest of my writing for this thats why it's taken me so long to update ((yikes))

**Author's Note:**

> definitely going to post more!! i just wanted to make this its own chapter to separate the origin from all the events that occur post. please keep in mind that these were written sporadically, so things dont really happen directly after each other. i'm wary to post any continuation of this because i'm afraid it wont make sense without explaining, but when i try to explain i end up rambling, as you've probably noticed :""""). i dont know. i'll do my best, for the two or three people that even read this--


End file.
